Thursday, July 22, 2010

Life Update (reason why i've been 'lost')

O_O Holy -
How long has it been?
Well...let's see, Life update.
I miss the Rev like anything, still. Will never stop. The cause of his death is said to be drug overdose...which is weird :S
Anyway, I never got a chance to share 1-1-'10. Yeah, it went by sad, but I re-met my cousins after 10 years. Family fights >.<
My uncle has three children. 2 sons, 1 daughter. One of the sons is 16, about 9 months older than me. His name's Rafae.
Okay, get the point ;P
We were already pretty close, and he used to talk to me alot in the 5 days we all spent together.
My friends said I was blind to not notice. Could I help it?? Well, anyway, I talked to him like almost all day, everyday. Until he disappeared. He told me he was going to.
During the time he disappeared I started focusing on getting to my studies and giving a good result for my upcoming CIE's. For which I joined tuitions at "Precision". For pak studies
Damn, was that a mistake :P
I encountered a guy who was formly in our school. Like 4 years or more ago
And for some reason now when I looked at him...I kind of developed a crush.
I became friends with 3 or 4 more guys. All were pretty me atleast. One of them asked me out, the other developed a thing for me. But never told me. :P
This was the craziest time I could remember. Like seriously. Everyday was a new story, I had my bestest pal; Navira with me through it all though.
Rumor started spreading about me and the guy I liked. It's weird because I noticed him looking at me many times, and he even smiled at me couple of times.
Idk, weird shit.
Anyway, during this phase, right in the middle, rafae returned. First few days I didn't tell him because I didn't want to face the fact myself that I was really falling for that guy. But eventually Navira and Zara (my other best pal) made me suck it up and believe...yeah, I really liked that guy.
So on 22nd March, 2010, I told Rafae. His response was like "oh..." or something like that. Haha
He wasn't very supportive at first because...well yeah, i had been spying on the guy i liked. Lets keep his name "X"
So yeah, I got to know about X's smoking and drinking habits. I told Rafae and he asked me to stay away from X.
But I told Rafae that I believe in him and want to change. And I know that I will. Rafae was kinda' hesitant but then he agreed.
So anyway...there then came this girl that Rafae started talking about that he "just met". And he talked to Navira about it and he hardly got to talk to me because I was always on about X.
Time passed and he eventually stopped talking about this new girl and I realized (after X disappeared) that I didn't really like him all that much. I was just temporarily quite infatuated...but now that he was gone...Idk, i didn't care much.
I didn't tell Rafae he was gone though.
Anyway, one morning, I wake up and as always there was a msg from Rafae. It said "Maham I really need to tell you something"
Me: "Hm?"
R: "I know you won't believe me, But...I love you. And I Really REALLY care for you. I've loved you from the first time I saw you"
Me: "um..okay. Aww. I love you too :) And I care for you too, you know" (I was trying to deny it)
R: You love me too? Tell me honestly...not the brother sister serious Love?
Me: Um...
R: I need an answer. And I'll understand
Me: Idk. this is too sudden.

Anyway, it went on like this. And I kept fighting with rafae EVERYDAY that he doesn't love me. He just says it.
4 or 5 days passed and I couldn't keep it to myself anymore so I told Navira. Her reaction was like "...duh, maham. What the hell did i tell you?"
Crazy shit, I know :P
Anyway, my mom got to know about my cutting habits and took me to a psychologist. He prescribed a couple of medicines. I took them. They didn't have very good effects :|
I started hallucinating at night, Lost my appetite, anti depressants made me even more depressed and I kinda had a very little sleep. I was REALLY under-rest. And it pretty much sucked.
I started losing alot of weight and my exams were right around the corner.
Well, anyway, things with rafae were kinda still going. I screamed at him everyday. Told him he's crazy and that he wasn't in love with me. He just thought he was. But he kept telling me that he really was.
I swear to God, I made the guy cry and beg me to believe. But I still never did. And I left him like soooo many times. He always came after.
I guess I tested him too much.
Anyway, one night the hallucination got like really really bad and I ended up cutting ALL my arms and legs.
And I walked downstairs where my sister was, like that and asked for bandage. (still hallucinating)
She saw my cuts and woke my mom up, but by then I had run upstairs and had more of the sleeping pills.
After which I went even more insane in attempts to kill myself.
My parents woke up, brought me under control. Just that night I had a fight with rafae and told him to fuck off and never talk to me again because I wanted everything to end.
His dad was with him so it was hard for him to reply. He said he'll talk to me in the morning. I said fuck you. There will be no morning. You won't EVER call me ... EVER!

Well anywho, I woke up, All bandaged, Looked at myself, was confused. I usually never remembered what happened in the hallucinations.
That day I told my guy friend what happened. He knew about my cutting and he was really really worried. It was my birthday about 2 or 3 days later.
Well anyway, the previous night, because I was going insane, My dad took my cell phone.
Oh and i was practically dying, but i was still fighting to listen to Machine Head before I fell asleep O_O
I heard "Aesthetics Of Hate"
Weird, huh?
Anyway, the following day, at precision I told navira everything. She was worried sick. And she told me that rafae was trying to reach me, but since my phone wasn't with me, i couldn't talk to him (not like i was gonna anyway)
He persuaded navira and she got me to talk to him. I went to the back lot of Precision where my teacher smokes with the students (xP)
And I was screaming at him on the phone. And I told him how he was never there for me and shit
He was crying
Anyway, I borrowed navira's phone almost everyday, and almost everyday I fought with rafae :P
(he never fought back -__- )
Soon X disappeared.
So the medication was stopped. Yet one night, when I (once again) fought with rafae because he was busy at his match and wasn't replying to me. Because in the morning he had his football final and at evening he had his cricket final -__- Kinda' pissed me off. So I fought and told him to piss off. And said he was never there for me. And I took the sleeping pill and went to sleep and told to not bother texting because I wasn't going to reply. I'd probably start hallucinating.
Usually during them I saw this weird old lady, some under ground deck. A ship. Some guy trying to hurt.
Alot of stuff
Even once I saw this whole army of some guy who was taking me away. And the queen wanted me to either marry this guy or face death. And I kept asked Rafae to be my king
(dramatic, i know. but i swear this happened. And I never told him i liked him back then :|)
(I used to text him everynight, weird shit. Usually what I saw. And what not)
So anyway, that night, he left his match because of me :P He was stressed and he was driving back home...
I started hallucinating, I told him to fuck off again and again. On every text he sent me.
He got so worried he ended up in an accident.
But he still managed to text me.
Well anyway, he made it back home and his parents had locked him out. So he had to sleep in the front lawn.
By now I had started seeing the old lady again and the guy who wanted to hurt. I texted and told him.
He called me.
AND I SWEAR TO GOD, say I'm being all lame and gay...but I felt the love. For the first time in my life.
He told me on the phone to hold on and that he was there. And "Baby, what's wrong?? What's going on with you? Please be okay. Please"
"Please go to sleep. Baby *sob*"
And what not. I started crying. And for the first time in my life again, my hallucination stopped because of a human O_O On the phone
He calmed me down
And he remained on the phone with me until I stopped replying and fell asleep.

I woke up in the morning and the phone was next to my ear. There was a text from him "Are you up? Please tell me you're okay"
That morning I was FINALLY convinced that he loved me. And I realized...I do love this guy back. Though, I still didn't tell him.

So exams were over on the 18th, i think. And I was out with friends all day. I was exhausted -__-
His dad come to our place on the 25 I suppose, and he asked me and my brother to go with him.
My whole family was planning to come already, but later. on the 12 of the next month (june)
I left with him early.
I spent a whole month with Rafae at his place. (They live in a different city)
It was the craziest, most memorable, cutest, horrible, amazing and unbelievable month in my whole life.
All us cousins went crazy, got into trouble, roamed around the streets of the city. Crazy shit.
And battlefield was CRAZY! HAHAHA
Paint Balling.
Rafae didn't let me get out of the cover, though -__- he didn't want me to get hurt.
:P cute. But over protective

Alot happened. He got me a necklace. It was for 3000 bucks!

And i still fought with him there many times. Until the last day of that month, when I was making my way down to the gym, he pulled me into the drawing room.
Serious senti moment man O_O
I hugged him , and we both cried. We were going so far away. He was going to england and i was going to kashmir.
:'/ It was really sad
But June was such an unbelievable month.

We (all the cousins) went to HotSpot for icecream every night. Walked to Akro mart. Had a shit lot of redbull. Watched movies. We watched the classics haha Gladiator, Scarface, Titanic etc.
There was this one night when we were watching Taking of Phelom123
and I fell asleep in his arms. It was cute
And haha this other moment where at the amusement park we sat on the same ride like 3 times and almost puked. And we went crazy at HyperStar. (a huge departmental store)
we put everything we found in a trolley (including blenders, iPod's, school bags, drilling machines, cheese) and left it at the counter :P
We played football in the middle of the store, while everyone was shopping. HaHA
We went to Hardees. Ate like shit
Me and rafae even sneaked out with excuses of "meeting our friends at so-and-so cafe"
Sitting in the jeep, playing loud music. Singing along. Screaming at people on the street. Shooting them from the jeep's sunroof with a toy gun xP
The South Africa football music was like the soundtrack of our summer. Waving Flags and Waka Waka and Give me reason.
Fun times :')
We played xBox all day. Tekken and football.
And Rafae even left with my brother and other cousins for play football at the field.
Haha it was fun.
Everything is worth remembering. If I start with the stories, there's no stop to them.

Right now he's in England, and I'm back home. At my grandparents currently. He got me so much stuff .__.
A solid gold necklace with a heart shaped sapphire.
I'm grateful to him. But I STILL didn't tell him how much he means to me :p
I plan to save it for the right moment (even though they came and passed heh)

He has BP issue's. His heart's weak and his eyes start bleeding when he's worried.
Idk, it's bad whatever it is. :(

So yeah...that's a brief of what I've been upto. What do you guys think? :P

Saturday, March 27, 2010

My Room

My Work :P


Most of it is incomplete.
And it's not very good. Plus the camera sucks soo...:P

Friday, January 22, 2010


R.I.P The Rev

On 28the December 2009 I got to about the death of Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan.
The drummer for Avenged Sevenfold.
I loved that guy, and he was one of my all time favorite artists. I could spend days listening to him, but as for 1 January 2010, I can't even imagine picking the itouch up. =/ It kills more than ever to know now that I never got to see him Live.

He's in a better place now and may God Rest His Soul, but it still sucks. I couldn't sleep at first and my new years eve went by crying my eyes out.
I hate losing someone close to me. I have before and it has happened again.
I don't know what will become of A7x as for now but rumor has it that they're breaking up. I respect the fact that they are respecting him and not replacing him because no matter what, we know that Jimmy was irreplaceable.

2 days after his death, I finally got about eating and drinking a little. And I gathered myself up and got two shirts printed in his memory.
I never thought I'd have to do that. :S It just sucks so fucking much. :S

I can't even express the amount of pain I have, he meant the world to me. And he always that he knew he wouldn't live pass 30 years. :\ We was only 28.
Don't know what the cause of his death is, but whatever it is, I hope it wasn't that painful.

I know you're in a better place now, Jimmy. May your soul rest in peace.
I know also that everytime there's thunder now...I will not hear thunder, but I'll be hearing Jimmy rocking out in heaven.
I'll miss you so much. :"(

February 10, 1981 – December 28, 2009
The Legend will Live On...

Monday, November 9, 2009

We Are The Fallen

Evanescence has always been in my 'hate' band list. lol Ben moody was the real heart and sould of the band, but now that he's no longer sucks.
But they created a new band. From one of my favorite artists of all time, Carly Smithson.
She was REALLY talented and you have no idea how proud i am that she's gonna make such a breakthrough.
Check it out

Tuesday, November 3, 2009